Allowed To Love

Posted: January 12, 2014 in Depression

When you say love, what does it mean?
There’s physical and emotional
But who are you allowed to share those with?
I can love my family,
And I can love my pets.
I can love TV shows, bands and books,
I can love hot chocolate and cookies,
Colorful sunsets and falling snow.
I can love the way someone lights up
When they talk about their passions.
But what happens when you say you love your best friend?
Suddenly, the world takes a turn.
“You’re in a relationship!” People cry,
“You can’t love someone else!”
But why are we only allowed one person to love?
The world is too negative and judging
So now we’re left to hide and keep quiet.
We’re more than just friends, though no one knows
However we’re still less than a couple,
Yet I’m falling for you more each day.

– – – – –

Nicole Shaddix
January 12, 2014
Age 20


One & The Same

Posted: January 9, 2014 in Depression

I think we’re perfect together, for each other.
We can agree on almost anything
But at the same time, still have our differences.
You get me, you feel me, you taste me,
Oh god, do you taste me.
You leave my mind racing, my heart pounding
My lungs gasping for air as you take my breath away
With just
A simple
I don’t want to let you go
And I don’t want to hide.
But how do I work through
All these built up feelings inside?
When you’ve got a connection so strong
That everything you do feels so far from wrong.
I would say I wish you could see
The effects you have on me.
But you do, and I know you feel it too.
Even just being around you
The thoughts flow more freely,
My mind becomes clear and I forget all fears.
I want to be able to hold you and kiss you whenever.
Not just when we’re alone,
When no one else is around.
But we’re restricted,
Tied to other people,
And if someone saw…
If someone knew what we were up to
Everything would be ruined.
Between us, between them…
I don’t want to think about that though
Because I don’t want what we have to end.
I want more.

– – – – –

Nicole Shaddix
January 9, 2014
Age 20

Drifting Away

Posted: January 9, 2014 in Depression

It’s like drowning in a sea, as you try to cry out
But you’re so far gone no one can hear you shout.
You try to scream louder but drift further away.
Is that how you feel floating out in the depths?
It’s calming out there, quiet.
You like not riding the waves,
Not having to untangle yourself from the clutter of seaweed.
But it’s empty, lonely.
Someone waits for you back at shore
But do you even want to go back?
Torn between living two lives and wanting nothing more
Than to be rescued and taken away to a world unknown.

– – – – –

Nicole Shaddix
January 9, 2014
Age 20

What's Been Up 2013?!

Alright let’s do a little year in review of the major important things, loads have changed!

– New year, new hair color
– I made it to 2 years self harm free
– Finished college classes forever
– My sister graduated high school
– My boyfriend graduated high school
– Dinner Dance Grad..
– I officially graduated college!
– Got a job in radio & moved to another province 😮
– Met some pretty cool people here & been enjoying it

Image  —  Posted: November 4, 2013 in Site Plans
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Remorse & Regret

Posted: October 11, 2013 in Depression

I’ll start with I’m sorry
Though you’ve moved on and won’t hear it,
But I’ve got to get it out of the way
And there’s some things I need to admit.

Since the day we first met
I knew there’d be a special bond.
A true friendship was to grow
And one another we’d be fond.

I’m thankful I had you
Taking care of me when sick.
Drinks and tears and kisses,
Goodness, we move quick.

And while I knew I was wrong
To be doing anything,
Nothing could stop me
From wanting this fling.

I missed having a hand to hold
To keep me on the ground.
And I love the comfort
Of having ones arms wrapped around.

You’re not the monster
And I don’t make you out to be.
If anything, I’m perverse
And I’m the one who should leave.

But I don’t want to go,
I don’t want us to end.
I know it will take some time
For us again to be close friends.

– – – – –

Nicole Shaddix
October 11, 2013
Age 20

Atavism At Its Finest

Posted: September 19, 2013 in Depression

A lone tear slowly rolls down her cheek
Followed shortly by more,
Each appearing quicker than the last.
Within minutes the vision is blurred.
Looking down at the visual mistakes she’s made
She reminded of all the wrongs she’s brought about.
Without being able to erase what’s been done,
She does what she knows best and begins to build on her marks.
Line by line a tally appears,
Each one labeled with a grief and fear.
For so long, she thought she was in the clear.
But with one swift movement
You can be sucked back in.
Never wanting to leave the comfort you’ve created,
Never wanting to give up what you’ve learned,
And never wanting to admit defeat.

– – – – –

Nicole Shaddix
September 19, 2013
Age 20

I always say this, that I need to get back on here. So many social sites to keep up with it’s crazy. I don’t do much writing anymore, but I’m keeping this for all my other pages like the bands stuff, and life’s goals list and everything else. I think I still have a couple poems I never posted so I’ll find those and hopefully get to posting them c=

Hope the 2012 year went good and that 2013 is amazing for you!

Aside  —  Posted: December 27, 2012 in Depression

Fantasy Friends

Posted: August 23, 2012 in Depression

Two worlds, two lives
None of which I want to say goodbye.
There’s a part of me in each of you,
And I can’t simply just bid one adieu.
One of you is for all of me
The other, is just a fantasy.
But at the same time you’re my best friend
And what we have I never want to end.
I worry when we don’t talk, that I’ve been replaced,
Or that you think of me as a total disgrace.
I don’t want to be a nuisance
But at times I fear that’s what you sense.
And there’s my true love…
The one that god send down from above.
We have our future set together
And everyone we meet that’s what they infer.

– – – – –

Nicole Shaddix
August 23, 2012
Age 19

The War Within

Posted: August 22, 2012 in Depression

Live the life you want to live.
Hold your ground and don’t give in
To the demons that make you weak,
The evils that constantly creep,
Or the monsters that lie to try and make you awry.

– – – – –

Nicole Shaddix
August 22, 2012
Age 19

One Last Kiss

Posted: August 20, 2012 in Love & Guys

One last kiss before we get out of bed,
Time to get up we’ve got one more day ahead.

One last kiss before we sit down to eat,
He made me breakfast, isn’t he sweet!

One last kiss before we decide to get dressed,
Must we get clothes on? I start to protest.

One last kiss before we stroll hand in hand,
Twisting and turning each others wedding bands.

One last kiss before we curl up to a movie,
For once it’s something we both easily agreed.

One last kiss before we crawl into bed,
Trying not to think of the morning we dread.

One last kiss before I say goodnight,
Soak it up before the morning light.

One last kiss before I say goodbye,
A tear rolls down, I can’t hold in the cry.

One last kiss, oh do you have to go?
Cuz without you my world is vertigo.

– – – – –

Nicole Shaddix
August 20, 2012
Age 19